last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
