we have pet lesbian snakes
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
