I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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