wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
