Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
