my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
