Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
