If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
