his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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