the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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