he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
