Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
