The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
