Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
