my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
