You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
