I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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