It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish you could order shots online.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
