You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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