the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize