looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
