I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize