You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
