I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
