I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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