Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
