I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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