i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I could make wine with my vomit
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize