I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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