you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize