Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
