I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
