So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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