i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
