My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
