Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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