This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
