so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
