thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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