Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
