fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
