his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
