you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
