toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
