i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just cropdusted the office
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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