my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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