just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
