just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
