just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
