i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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