so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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