i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
