Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
