When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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