Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You are a genius and a whore.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
