i permit you to call me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
