Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
