There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
