her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
