She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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