I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
