Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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