If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
